BIG BUTCH BARKS BACK


Created for some of the more raw and painful aspects of growing up different. Sometimes angry, sometimes funny, always honest. Sometimes, the language is very harsh because pain is not gentle.

I am determined to chronicle all aspects of living with absolute candor and genuineness. It allows a connection with others at a deep soul level because they see that you understand their struggles when you reveal your own. If you are offended by cursing or expect the beauty you see on my other blog, Whisper Creek, then you may want to avoid this one. This is the very human side of me, the one God plainly sees. It is the part that God is healing. Let that be my witness.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Chronicle of the Insane



I am determined that I will chronicle every moment I can of this craziness going on inside of me. I don't know if it is caused by the sudden onset menopause after my surgery, or if there is another explanation. I am just sure it is worse than the struggles I have had before.  I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of my own thoughts. In my logical mind I tell myself, it is the hormones going nuts, not myself. It is too coincidental to be happening months following the surgery. However, there is always doubt in your head that it is just you...something terribly wrong with you.

I want to be able to come back to what I have written during this time, and be able to see what I have overcome. I do not post these things for pity or to hurt anyone. I post them so that I and others will see the victory that can be theirs just by hanging on. I am very aware that this is so very raw and I apologize. It is real. In my mind it is so very real. I know that there are others who have been there, and thought that and I want you to know you are not alone. 

In my drugged stupor last night after having taken Trazadone as prescribed by my physician, I began to write what you will read below. The photo you see is the actual thing. I lay in bed, too drugged to get up, but the words kept coming and I kept writing. I cannot sleep until all the thoughts have been emptied onto paper on onto the screen. I did not create a happy ending to this poem, although I usually do. It stops quiet abruptly as I feel asleep without a solution.  

What I say can be frightening to those who love me, including myself, but again, I am still here, I am still fighting. I will remain. I will be okay. 


Chronicle of the Insane

This is a chronicle of going insane
this is a story of an exploding brain
you reach the point to where you fall
and hope you explode into nothing at all.

Tie me down, lock me away
cause I'm afraid to see another day
I afraid for the sun to rise
to look up and see the clear blue skies.

Cause it will mean that I'm not dead
just existing, sick in the head
and one tiny second will seem like several days
while I am stuck in this cold dark haze.

Its like having one of those fuc*ing dreams
where you try with all your might to fuc*ing scream
and though you stand in the middle of a crowd
and you breathe in deep and you scream so loud.

But no one hears a fuc*ing sound
and you feel that to hell your soul is bound
and the thoughts don't stop, the voices don't cease
and you will never have one moment of feelin' peace.

And you wake up in a cold hot sweat
thinking how much worse can this fuc*ing get
and it does cause now you are fully awake
and you wonder how much more you can really take.

....of a better day.

2 comments:

  1. I hated the Trazodone hangover, I just go with about 4 - 5 hours of sleep a night, and an afternoon nap. I have that luxury, I'm sorry you don't (get to take a nap every day). Caring for my mother allows me some freedom. I hope everything evens out for you. Love will keep up all of us afloat.
    Big hugs!
    Dave

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  2. P.S. You're not insane, just a little crazy. : )

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