Memories of Time Perception

Image by Time Love Memory

They say time heals all wounds

and time is tickin' away

but in my fu*ked up mind

its just one endless day.

The days turn into nights

but I just don't seem to move

its like I am stepin'

to my own weird groove.

I think real hard in my brain

last week and month to recall

but its only short images

I can't make sense of it all.

If it were a fantasy

I would make it all feel good

but instead its like a nightmare

in my own little neighborhood.

Now I know there's been good times

my heart remembers those

but they seem damn distant

reachin' for them on tiptoes.

Time perception is strange sometimes

when you want time to last

it goes by so suddenly

and quickly becomes your past.

Yet when you are in a dark place

its one long endless night

and you are awake to feel it all

and you struggle with all your might.

Now I may not recall yesterday

but I have hope for tomorrow

and whatever it takes to get there

from time I will beg, steal, cheat and borrow.

Children of Heaven

I just don't understand

why love is so foreign to you

but you find hate so easy

gather your posse and your crew.

Shave your head to i.d. yourself

wear momma's robe of white

cover yourself though you say your proud

shout "white power" in the dark of night.

Go ahead and burn your crosses

it only goes to show

how little you can think

and how little you really know. 

Don't you understand and realize

We're all just one big race

The children of Heaven

all with a different kind of face?

So throw your hate under the bus

and in the back sit down your ass 

until you let your guard down

and learn its love you need to pass. 

Chronicle of the Insane

I am determined that I will chronicle every moment I can of this craziness going on inside of me. I don't know if it is caused by the sudden onset menopause after my surgery, or if there is another explanation. I am just sure it is worse than the struggles I have had before.  I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of my own thoughts. In my logical mind I tell myself, it is the hormones going nuts, not myself. It is too coincidental to be happening months following the surgery. However, there is always doubt in your head that it is just you...something terribly wrong with you.

I want to be able to come back to what I have written during this time, and be able to see what I have overcome. I do not post these things for pity or to hurt anyone. I post them so that I and others will see the victory that can be theirs just by hanging on. I am very aware that this is so very raw and I apologize. It is real. In my mind it is so very real. I know that there are others who have been there, and thought that and I want you to know you are not alone. 

In my drugged stupor last night after having taken Trazadone as prescribed by my physician, I began to write what you will read below. The photo you see is the actual thing. I lay in bed, too drugged to get up, but the words kept coming and I kept writing. I cannot sleep until all the thoughts have been emptied onto paper on onto the screen. I did not create a happy ending to this poem, although I usually do. It stops quiet abruptly as I feel asleep without a solution.  

What I say can be frightening to those who love me, including myself, but again, I am still here, I am still fighting. I will remain. I will be okay. 

Chronicle of the Insane

This is a chronicle of going insane

this is a story of an exploding brain

you reach the point to where you fall

and hope you explode into nothing at all.

Tie me down, lock me away

cause I'm afraid to see another day

I afraid for the sun to rise

to look up and see the clear blue skies.

Cause it will mean that I'm not dead

just existing, sick in the head

and one tiny second will seem like several days

while I am stuck in this cold dark haze.

Its like having one of those fuc*ing dreams

where you try with all your might to fuc*ing scream

and though you stand in the middle of a crowd

and you breathe in deep and you scream so loud.

But no one hears a fuc*ing sound

and you feel that to hell your soul is bound

and the thoughts don't stop, the voices don't cease

and you will never have one moment of feelin' peace.

And you wake up in a cold hot sweat

thinking how much worse can this fuc*ing get

and it does cause now you are fully awake

and you wonder how much more you can really take.

....of a better day.

Insomnia, Delirium Dreams, and Decisions

The last time I remember sleeping well was the night I was suicidal. I called my parents to come get my gun, cried until I could cry no more, prayed until I was in the fetal position, and finally took enough drugs to knock myself out. I can't remember how many days or weeks that has been. 

Tonight, no matter how many drugs I take, I cannot rest. My head pounds, my muscles tense. My desperation for sleep is deep. My mind will not shut down. I can't think clearly although I don't seem to stop thinking. I don't recall much of what I ate today...or was it yesterday? I called my mom tonight to tell her "Mom, my world has to stop and I have to get off". And mom lays now on the recliner beside my bed. 

I think I dozed a little or maybe I'm so delirious and drugged it was a waking dream. I can't be sure.  I recall running through the jungle with my friend. We were warriors. She was running behind me and I stepped to the side to avoid something. When I did, she was shot. I stopped and turned around. She was injured and I did not know if she would survive. I was struck with the decision of running to save my own life or stopping in the small hope I could save her. I awoke with tears streaming down my face saying "I'm sorry..I'm so sorry." 

I don't know why I am here in this place. Perhaps it is the crazy hormones of menopause or because of all that has happened this year. I don't feel like I have stopped fighting since it all began. In fact, I don't feel like I have ever stopped fighting. 

Part of me is afraid to sleep for the dreams that will come and the other part wants nothing more than not to exist for just a little while. I don't want to die, I want to rest. 

I have spent my life feeling like I have to defend myself against something. If its not fighting the psychological issues that have been with me since a child, it is the religion that says the very essence of who I am is an abomination. And then it is the fight to be me, knowing that I will be starred at, made fun of.... an embarrassment to my (former) partner because I am too butch. Then I must fight against my own self-hate for the messages all that mess has put into my head. Now that I am alone, I am left with the long endless nights to figure out how to save myself and still be a good person. 

And I'm not sure I know how to do both. The short dream I had is easily interpreted. This is my decision. How can I be a person that I can be proud of and still save myself? My instinct is to run back and never leave anyone behind who is hurting, even if they have hurt me. Yet if I know that to save myself I must go forward...I must go on. 

This warrior is so very tired. Up ahead is safety and rest, but to get there, I must be a selfish person. I don't like that. I don't like that at all.

The Fluidity of Sexuality, Spirituality, and Emotions

By Ian Plant

I have been told by a wise and wonderful woman that I like to put emotions and thoughts into boxes. It seems to make my mind less cluttered and able to deal with things better. However, in doing so, I put myself in a predetermined category and create self-fulfilling prophecies. For instance, I say that for more than 30 years I have had panic attacks. I do not know life without them. So I have put myself in a place where I expect to have them because they are such a strong part of me. 

In many ways, this wise and wonderful woman, is my spiritual muse. She has taught me to think in a more fluid way. I had started the process of this in regards to spirituality before I met her, but our hours upon hours of conversation only expanded my insight. 

In regards to religion and spirituality, I had broken away from the rigid Free Will Baptist upbringing. I had started to find my way back to God as an individual child of God, not as someone dedicated to certain doctrines. I just had not reached that ah-ha moment when the light turns on and things just click because the truth suddenly flows all over you. One night during one of our conversations, I said to her "It is interesting that you put no limits or barriers on spirituality." She said, "Jamie, there are none. Who can put limits on God? God is God. " Bingo. That was it. God is God and I just need to be able to allow that in my life whatever that means. Not putting God in a box is one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned. 

Once this idea of fluidity entered my mind, I realized it for its far reaching potential. I identify sexually as a butch lesbian. It took me many years to become comfortable in myself after my rigid upbringing. However, I realize that if you ask me if I am male or female, I will tell you "both and neither". Although I have the sexual organs of a female, I have an androgenous spirit. I am told that I am very butch and masculine, yet by womyn more manly than myself, I am a bit girly. So the spectrum is not clear. It is not set in stone. I am just me. I am strong, yet sensitive. A protector yet need protected. I am a hopeless romantic who loves nothing more than to romance my lady, but isn't romance a chick thing?

I think my spiritual muse was right. One of my biggest issues has been trying to put things in boxes, because I simply do not fit. I am tender hearted, but quick to anger. I am very spiritual but tend to curse like a sailor. I think in accepting that fluidity, I would allow myself to be perfectly imperfect. I would realize that not everything is black and white. I would relieve so much pressure from myself and I would learn to love myself and believe that I am worth being loved.

It is exactly my failure in being able to do this and my mistake of shoving my spiritual muse in a box, that caused me to lose her. I lost my friend. I lost one of the most important connections of my entire life. I didn't think that I was good enough to hold onto, and I passed that anger onto her. My insecurities and separation anxiety hurt someone I care a lot about. I want to open the box up and free her and say, I sorry for shoving you in this dark place. 

Just as the fluidity of sexuality and spirituality flow, so do my emotions. They are unpredictable and very deep. Sometimes tame, sometimes extreme. I allowed that to cause pain for her. Sometimes connections are so intense that they hurt, and in this case, they did. 

I must admit, I feel lost without her. I miss our conversations, our laughter, the times we have cried together and brought peace to one another. I don't know if her heart will ever heal enough to ever talk to me again, but when I pray now, I ask God to touch her heart and repair what I have broken. Never have I known someone with such insight and a clear and free connection to God. I hope that in connection she can find forgiveness and healing. 

Love is fluid and comes in many forms. If it is unconditional, then nothing can break that. And I will pray daily that love will bring my friend back. We still  have much to learn from each other, and much support to offer. May God bring grace to us so that we can find a path of reconnection.

Melissa was right...."It only hurts when I breathe".

Ali Ashraf Roni

Never in all my life did I think I could hurt anymore than I did coming out as a gay woman. It was full of the most agonizing moments of my life. It brought me to the brink of suicide so many times. Being told that God hates your very being and you are doomed is not something that warms your heart. The metamorphosis into acceptance was incredibly painful.  It was 5 years of hell,  full of depression, panic attacks, delusions, hallucinations, and despair. I have no idea how I survived it. But I did. 

I thought the worst was over. I thought if I could survive that, I could survive anything. I had many good years after that. Many blessings, many good experiences. I had a relationship that I thought was good, and for a long time it was. Then I found that I had been living in a world of delusion. It was good while it lasted. 

And now, here I sit alone. In reality. I hate reality. My friends at work joke that I am in my own little world and I am. I don't know how to make it any other way. It works most of the time. I have learned my job and I do it automatically. Normally I do it well. I exist there in order to get home and write. It is my saving grace. 

Yet these last two day, it has only been a temporary solace. There are moments when I am okay, even laughing. Yet, suddenly, something will send me down into darkness. As I write, I cry. If I stop writing, I feel as if I will die. Yet how many times can you say the same thing. In my head I tell myself to go on and it makes sense, and then that thing...that photo...that name...that scent...that blog entry.. stares me down and I fall into a deep dark pit.

And these moments hurt more than any moment I can recall. Never has losing someone hurt this badly. I was just starting to deal with losing my wife. There were only two rooms in the house where I could be without feeling her. And those two rooms are now filled with the one I have now lost. Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her. Sitting at this computer reminds me of her. Writing reminds me of her, for in many ways, she was my muse. 

And now I have to find a way to bring positivity back into the house. I have to figure out how to save my heart and my life. I have to find a way to create new memories. I tell myself to just hold on a little longer, to live for the next 60 seconds, not the next 60 days. 

And somehow, I wake up the next morning, and I get in the zone that allows me to survive, to function. It is like holding my breath for 6 hours until I can get home again, because as the Melissa Etheridge song says "It only hurts when I breathe." So I try not to. 

It Only Hurts When I Breathe

I am so tired. So tired of the struggle. So tired of the fight. But I am convinced...I KNOW that there is hope out there. I KNOW there is happiness somewhere. I KNOW there will be a time when I don't hurt like this. 

I'll be damned if I will give up. I have doubted my resolve often in recent months, but every time I have taken another step, I have found that that step leads to something good. I am no fool. Although I live much of my time in my own imaginary world, I know that somewhere, out there, I will hurt again. Everybody hurts. But then I will feel happiness again. 

I must grieve. I have to allow myself that. I feel as if two of the most important people in my life, have died this year. So I know I must go through the process of grieving that loss. I can't hide that grief and I cannot ignore it. I must deal with it no matter how painful it may be. 

I know I will come out stronger. My heart will go on beating.  Hopefully I will learn from my mistakes and I will become a better person. But first, I have to forgive myself. I have to love myself. I have to accept that I am human. And I am not at that point of acceptance yet. 

There is a Johnny Cash song that reads "I'm just an ol' lump of coal, but I'm going to be a diamond someday." I don't know when that day will ever come. I know that as the seasons change, and the earth moves, that I am being formed and reformed. It is a painful process. 

I hang on thinking that surely to God, sharing my experiences will minister to someone else. I beg that my hurt not be in vain. I have to find a purpose in it. 

I dream of a ministry. I see it in my mind where one day, someone will hear me speak, or read something I have written and the plans they had to die that day will change. I see a day where the simple act of a teddy bear hug from me will give someone the strength to keep going. I imagine a moment where a person in pain looks in my eyes and into my soul and sees understanding and love.

I wrote a song once where the chorus read "If I have to hurt Lord, let me feel the pain, if I have to bleed Lord, let me bleed like rain, tie a string tightly around my soul, but don't let me forget, Lord, those who need God's Love Patrol."

And so in these moments of intense pain, when it only hurts when I breathe, I remember these feelings. I memorize them. Because if I do, I will recognize them in others. I will see the pain in their eyes because I saw it in mine. And only then will I be able to reach out and touch their heart and help bring them peace.

Someday....

Agony of Friendship

As difficult as this year has been...my "divorce" from my partner of 10 years, followed by a cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgery,  nothing compares to the loss of a friendship. In 7 months, I have lost the two most important friendships I have ever had. 

When you are a part of someone's everyday life, suddenly not having that feels as if someone died. It is a grieving process. As part of your defense, you try to remember the bad stuff because it is easier to be angry than it is to be sad. But then there are times in the still of the day when those good memories come flooding back. Maybe its because you caught the scent of the perfume they wore, or heard a song you used to sing. And then it hurts like hell. 

Right now, I am still busy being angry about my divorce, so it doesn't hurt so much. I stay out of rooms I associate with her. I live in just a small part of the house where I cannot remember her every time I look at the couch she used to sit on, or the tv she used to watch. Everything of her has been removed from the house. I couldn't even do it myself, but my mother in her understanding, did it for me when I was recovering from surgery so I didn't have to see. Even though I am angry, and have reason to be, she was still my best friend for 10 years. When I see her now, it is as if I am seeing a stranger or seeing through different eyes. And it makes it easier. 

Then I met someone whose connection with me spiritually and emotionally surpassed all I have ever felt before. Our connection was so strong that we could feel what was happening with the other one thousands of miles away even though we were not in contact. I would wake up from a nap, only to have her know what I had dreamed. One day, at work, I was having a panic attack, and suddenly, on my phone, there she was asking what was wrong. And she could bring me peace. She was my writing partner, my muse. She was my partner in ministry. I am a person who can only hold a ten minute conversation if I am lucky most of the time, but I could easily talk to her for 10 hours and it seem like minutes. 

But this incredible bond had a dark side. It is wonderful to feel the happiness of the other person with such intensity, but the feeling the pain in addition to your own is overwhelming. Inside us both is a beautiful, kind spirit, but also a spirit that is scarred and bruised. When she would see my hurt, she felt it...and when she disappeared into her agony...I agonized with her. I physically felt it. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. The agony of being so far away from her and not being able to do anything brought a sense of intense desperation. 

The combination of dealing with this sudden menopause after the surgery and feeling the intensity of the emotional pain brought me to my knees.  I cried as I have never cried. I prayed as I have never prayed. And that darkness went through our connection and back to her, thousands of miles away.

And so I tried to save myself by getting angry, by stopping the connection. And in doing so shook the spirit of us both. And now we sit so far apart...raw and hurt. I didn't know saving yourself was supposed to hurt so much. My friend is gone. And yet I continue to feel her pain. Knowing that I made it worse instead of better makes my heart bleed. 

Someday, I hope to have my friend back. Maybe then we will be able to find a balance in our connection. I miss the conversations. I miss the laughter. I miss the creative and spiritual nature of us. We were a good team, especially in ministry. 

The hard thing about being an emotionally crippled spirit, is that you are all walking wounded. There are none among you who is healthy. There is no medic, no doctor. There are just people with emotional limps, open wounds, and hearts who struggle to keep beating. You have to look at one another knowing that these people who are your family that you love so very much hurt as much as you do, and the helplessness in not being able to make them better can destroy you. 

There has to be a way to love, and be loved, without hurting so damn much. 

To my friend...if you ever read this...when the moment is not so raw anymore...let us heal. I remember the good in you, and it hurts so much. You are a compassionate, insightful, loving spirit. You have seen my spirit and know me. You have read the words upon my soul. I am sorry that my pain hurts you so much. It is years upon years of pain that cannot be healed easily. 

I know that when people recognize the hurt in others, it can make them fearful of them. No one wants to be around a broken spirit. But there are so many broken spirits out there. I show my own, so they know they are not alone. Sometimes I think if I cannot save myself, maybe I can save someone else in getting this message to them. And I know that hurts you. 

But I beg that God use this, these stripes I carry, and turn it into peace for someone. I created Whisper Creek as a place for peace because I know I need it so much. But there are times that I feel I cannot enter there. It is sacred, holy ground. I fear that with my blood I will taint it, so here I am. 

I will heal as will you and I hope that when that time comes, you will connect with me again. I hope that you will meet me at Whisper Creek, and that we will find peace. Hopefully, someday, the rawness will go away and new healthy hearts will form and it will be better. And in your moments of quiet, when you sense me, I am there.

 

Frozen

Image by Rebekka Guðleifsdóttir

I sit here, frozen, afraid to move

cause for now my inner demons are feeling soothed

cause the cuts let out all of the screams

that plague my existence, that haunt my dreams.

And if I move, I fear they will wake

and that will be more than I can take

cause they'll come out hungry for even more

to cleanse my sins, to settle the score. 

And if I lay down to go to sleep

into my mind, in my dreams they will creep

and in the morning, when I finally awake

another piece of my soul they will surely take.

And I will go again as if all is fine

I'll smile and laugh and the sun will shine

then the darkness will surround me into a fright

and the demons will consume me into the night.

And the thoughts will get crazy, the thoughts will get mean

and my soul will shout, and my spirit will scream

and I'll beg for God's mercy, and for grace I will pray

to make it another minute, to survive another day.

Exploding Heart

I tried not to wear my heart on my sleeve

but hid it away like it was on sick leave

but I found in doing so I wasn't alive

like I only existed, but didn't thrive.

So I took it out and dusted it clean

got it beatin' right like a new machine

and though I didn't set out seeking love

it seem to drop right down from up above.

And I took it and enjoyed it well

never knew my heart could actually swell

but it did and for a time it felt good

much better than I thought it actually could. 

But then reality crashed my love affair

and it went in smoke and up in thin air

and my heart sitting proudly upon my sleeve

began to tremble, began to seethe. 

And then it burst in great alarm

and the blood ran thickly down my arm

and confused because I didn't die

I fell to my knees and began to cry.

I couldn't stop, I couldn't see

didn't know truth from a hole in a tree

and I begged for guidance to find my way

but no one came to save the day.

There was no happy ending, no storybook

and I sit here now and at my arm I look

and the blood runs down and I wonder when

my breathing will stop and the hurt will end. 

How can my tender heart cause so much pain

I didn't mean to bring down so much heavy rain

and now everyone is just treading water

and I feel like I brought on this massive slaughter. 

And it rips and it tears and it feels so raw

for the wounds that I caused for the hurt that I saw

and I ask myself if inside I am evil

for causing this mess, this big upheaval. 

Will I ever know, will the Lord finally say

I meant for things to happen and happen this way

will it ever be spelled out in my brain

or will the words simply spell "you are fucking insane."

The Cutting Muse

If I don't write, I surely will explode

cause I'm carrying such a big emotional load

the airlines would charge me for all these extra bags

and I'd get writers cramp filling out the tags.

So what do I do with all this weight

Its not that I like it, I really hate

but its in me, ain't gonna disappear

I ain't hangin' on like a souvenir.

So what do I do before I pop

before I kill over, before I drop?

sometimes the only thing I know to do

is cut the pain away and try to start anew.

Lord knows I'm a cutter and I know it gives you pain

but sometimes its all that keeps me from goin' insane.

but if I can put the pain into a rhyme

it buys me a minute, it buys me some time.

So I write mighty often and hopefully well

to keep myself away from a cutting hell

but some days it hurts and some days I weep

and I pray that the Lord, my soul will keep.

But thanks be to God, I write like I breathe

but when I can't, inside, my head seethes 

and I look at the knife and I pick it up

and I taste once again from the bitter cup.

Maybe one day soon, I really don't know

I'll find a better way, to deal, when I'm low

but if its the only thing that keeps this chick alive

I gotta do what I have to in order to survive.

~~For all of you cutters out there...I understand~~

 If I don't write it on paper, I write it on my arm.

Your scars tell stories.

Someday you must share them.

A Raw Honest Cursing Prayer...

Tears cascade down like an open flood gate

its more than I can handle, its more than I can take

Why did you make me, Lord,  if I'm goin' to be in pain

what would that accomplish, what would that gain?

Just rip my heart out, rip it out now

I'm tired of this livin', and figurin' out how

outside I look like 40, inside only 10

when you gonna take it, tell me when, fuckin' when?

Now I don't mean no disrespect, but Lord, what the fuck?

It takes all I have not to step in front a Mack truck

I know it ain't your fault, I don't mean to scream and shout,

but I look at that gun and want to blow my brains out. 

I'm yellin' at you Lord, cause you all I have, all I've got

who can see my insides and my heart in such a knot

I'm beggin' for your mercy, for your grace to face the day

But I really gotta ask, why you let me be made this way?

Maybe there's a higher purpose, or its only in my dreams

to make it more bearable, the reasons for my screams

whatever it is, it hurts, Lord, it feels like fuckin' hell

makes me want to bid the world a final big farewell.

But I made it to the mornin' time, didn't think I'd see the sun

but its easier now today, cause daddy's got the gun

and mom stood watch over me all night and again today

and she waited until she knew that I would be okay.

And I know that even now, Lord, they pray for me tonight

that my heart will heal again, that my soul will be alright

and I know that it will be, cause it always has before

but please, Lord, let me rest, cause I'm really mighty sore.

In my open honesty with God, in my language, in my screams, God continues to bring me grace. Do you think that a God that loves us cares that our language is raw? God the Father and Mother Earth know our innermost feelings and our thought. To be able to be honest with them in that, is healing. They do not wish for us to censor ourselves, for if we do, we will never have an authentic relationship with them. We only show them our best, when they know us at our worst. So share it all with them, and in doing so, you will find healing.

Single Sport

I'm a bit under pressure

feel the heat, feel the steam

the times are gettin' heavy

and their gettin' very lean.

What was once a team game

is a single sport now

and I wonder how to make it

got to make it somehow.

But I gotta say its lonely

gotta play all by myself

so I pick up the ball

and I put it on the shelf.

And I sit in the silence

once I heard you, heard your voice

but I won't be defeated

by your stupid fuckin' choice.

Though these times they really hurt

I won't fib, I won't lie

ain't no worse than I been through

I will do, or I will die.

So in the silence of the evenings

in my head the game is played

and I go on undefeated

cause in my heart I have prayed. 

Cave

Crawl in my dark secluded cave

its my heart I'm trying to save

I can't see out, you can't see in

while I figure what's wrong within.

And while I sit inside of here

I make like magic, I disappear

maybe I cease to exist

vanish quietly and safely into the midst.

But I still see the me that's inside

what hurts so much, what I'm trying to hide

and I can't make it go away

no matter how hard I try to pray.

I'm in a bad place, I'm in it now

but surely I will make it, make it somehow

I'll open up this small dark place

and clean it up and make some space.

Maybe one day when its fully healed

in this cave I've kept so concealed

I'll let in sunshine, I'll bless this place

and I'll allow your sweet embrace.

But until that moment, until that time

continue to love me, continue to shine

because your spirit to my heart does bring

love carried by the angels on their angel wings.

And I Wonder.....

Sometimes I look into my eyes

and starring back like the clear blue skies

is an empty shell, without a soul

and cold as the plains of the north pole.

and I wonder....What am I?

No damn emotions inside me to track

no footprints in the snow when I look back

just numbness and nothing, bitter cold

is that me in the mirror, am I growing old?

and I wonder....Who am I?

Here I am, hel--lo, I am here

between hell and heaven, I don't know where

just vacant and empty, an abandoned well

what can I do, someone do tell.

and I wonder....What do I do?

Its like an alarm bell sounded loud

and out dispersed this big huge crowd

leaving me here all alone

a sack of dry, dead,  lifeless bones.

and I wonder....Where am I?

Did I disappear? Am I in there?

If I am will someone tell me where?

And I cut myself to see if I bleed

to see if there's a spirit who needs to be freed.

and I wonder....How am I?

Am I hiding out in camouflage?

am I in some sort of battle, why do I dodge?

sometimes I'm my own worst enemy

what will it take for me to see?

and I wonder....What do I look like?

Will there be a happy ending? I can't say for sure

will there be a miracle, will there be a cure?

All I can do is try as I might

continue the battle, continue the fight. 

and I wonder....How strong am I?

One day I'm certain I'll recognize me

don't know how long the wait will be

but I know when it happens I'll make a friend

I'll hold her close, I'll hold her hand.

and I'll wonder...Where have you been, my friend?

My Life Flows On

Ripped and Torn

 

 

 

My heart is ripped and torn
And the world won’t slow a bit
Gotta call for the medic
Before my heart up and quits

But how you gonna fix it
If it won’t stop and skip a beat
There ain’t no laying’ down
Still be walkin’ on my feet.

How’s it gonna heal
I don’t give a rat’s ass
All I tell myself
Is that this too shall pass.

But in saying what I feel
And feeling what I say
I wiggle and squirm
I don’t like it that way.

Tired of the fight
Of being self judgmental
It makes me crazy still
And feeling kinda mental.

I wanna let it go
Lay it down and walk away
But it only waits to get me
On some other day.

Maybe that’s all I can do
Its all that I can ask
Is that for a moment in time
I can leave it in the past.

And one day in the future
Hopefully not far down the road
I can lay it down one final time
Lay down the heavy load.

Lead Me Kindly Lightly....Cause I'm So Damn Lost

 

 

I’m on this mother fucking damn roller coaster ride
Its headed straight down, got no safe place to hide
I wanna scream loudly, but the screamin ain’t fun
It’s the scream of a fucker with a phat machine gun.

Wanna shoot the damn demons that plague my brain
The stupid mother fuckers trying to drive me insane
I know that  I’m something that God the Father made
But I still want to cut myself up with a blade.

Maybe he can put the pieces back together again
Make me think with peace, fill me with some holy zen.
Cause I’m tired of being tired, fightin’ every night and day
God why can’t you fix me, why did you make me this way?

It all gets in my head and makes me so confused
And my heart takes a beating and is left sore and bruised
And I don’t know where to go and I find I’m so lost
I can’t even read the map my mind is so criss-crossed.

So lead me, kindly, lightly, guide me in the path divine
And help me to feel some of  Mother’s comfort sunshine
Cause I’m hidin’ in the forest from my own kind of wrath
So please show me the way, please show me the path.

A Prayer for Rest

 

 

In the anger, in the rage
Let me out of this tiny cage
I try puttin’ the words on the page
Already getting tired in my middle age

But it’s a hard and a mighty long battle
I feel I’m up shit creek without a paddle
Listening to the bullshit and all the prattle
Can’t get through, their brains I can’t rattle.

Can’t seem to make sense of this crap at all
But I scrape and climb and sometimes crawl
And I stand by the cliff wondering if I would fall
Who would be there to catch me if I should call.

Father God, Mother Earth, my unseen divine
Can you give me a clue, can you give me a sign
You created it all, my interior design
Tell me what I have to do to reach the goal line.

For I’m done and I’m tired, I really need a nap
In your holy embrace, in your divine lap
Please let me rest, as my heart you unwrap
Cause if I don’t someday soon I fear I will snap.

Help your child to rest…please.

Landin' in my Lap

Wake up every mornin', my stomach in my throat

tryin' to keep going, don't want to give up hope

my wheels keep spinnin', am I goin' anywhere?

Does anybody hear me, my heart's in disrepair.

Same ol' sh*t all the day long

workin' for a penny, workin' for a song

can't pay the bills though they gots to get paid

how I'm gonna pay them, I already prayed.

Not trying to do wrong, just wanna do right

but I'm tired of this battle, I'm tired of this fight

A promise ain't a promise when it ain't f*ckin' kept

leavin' me with all this sh*t deeply in debt.

I stood with you throughout it all, you didn't give a sh*t

I took it til you walked away, til you done went up and quit

And so it lands in my lap, all this crap you left behind

how I'm gonna do it, on a dollar and a dime?

Doin' all I can, gonna give it a go

is it gonna work, how the hell do I know?

but I know I'm gonna try, can't give up on it too soon

but sometimes I wanna say, what the hell, f*ck the moon.

Fire

F*cking soul reach for peace
Make the angriness cease
Explode and decrease
Send out a press release.

Butch knows what she doin’
Not bitchin’ and brewin’
Just attemptin’ renewing
But quite misconstruing’

So f*cking confused
Of course it ain’t news
I oft’ self abuse
When I can’t seem to diffuse.

But I hold in such fire
Such burning desire
To somehow inspire
To hold your head higher.

But I f*cking am tired
Of feeling so wired
So much has transpired
Peace is desired

But I’m too much a mess
I have to confess
I try to oppress
When I don’t feel so blessed.

In this moment so pissed
In a dark angry mist
My hands frozen in fists
And rage I resist.

F*ck you damn demon
I go kicking and screamin’
Middle finger be beamin’
In my head I am dreamin’.

That someday I’ll stop fightin’
Scraping and biting
Some peace be inviting
When I put it in writing.

Cause I’m f*ckin’ depleted
Way too superheated
Fightin’ undefeated
Yet still uncompleted.

And my humanness sucks
I ain’t got the bucks
No super deluxe
Puts me always influx.

But I keep steppin’ and walkin’
And I keep on talkin’
And I’ll be a balkin’
Til’ the coroner chalkin’.

But for now give me quiet
Put my mind on a diet
Maybe a room in the hyatt
Can’t take no more riot.

I gotta lay down
Soul’s gotta rebound
If I don’t, wait around
My spirit will drown.

So I‘ll count the pink sheep
As I try to sleep
Inside I may weep
Pray my soul you will keep.