Standin' Up

You try to hang low and do your best

make no trouble and live like the rest

then they mess with your own, cause you pain

hassle too much in your home domain.

Sometimes you gotta kick ass and take names

after a while you get tired of the games

so you do what's right and jump in the flames

can't always make it good by being tame. 

Ain't trying to be no superhero

but ain't gonna live in a cold subzero

I like my house warm and full of love

I'll make that happen if I have to shove .

Sometimes you gotta kick ass and take names

after a while you get tired of the games

so you do what's right and jump in the flames

can't always make it good by being tame.

Sometimes doing the right thing ain't easy.

My Living Art

Tired of my fortune being up for grabs

the good and bad, can't seem to keep tabs.

They say sh*t happens, and I know its true

that life just happens, happens to you.

 But I"m tired of being the mat at the door

I don't have to take it, take it anymore.

Life is just what I want it to be

finally my life is up to me

It all depends on how I see

a victim or a victor, my own emcee.

What's a mountain to you can be a hill to me

just want to fly up high, and be the victory.

Today a brand new start, a vow to take

Life is what I make it, gonna make it great.

Find reasons to smile, and less to be sad

Make happiness seem like a new found fad

Do all I can and give God his part

gonna make living my own living art.

Can't help which way my heart fell

 

Growing up I didn't believe
that one day I might receive
a love that many couldn't conceive
or that others would aggrieve.

No celebration came that day
from the world, no great display
it was an evil they portrayed
the day you took my heart away.

CHORUS:
Can't help which way my heart fell
I'm under love's sweet magic spell
Sure doesn’t feel like a sinful hell
What can I do, do tell, Oh Well
Like an old forgotten tree
Where I fell wasn’t up to me
Why can’t they just let it be
And try to be happy for me?

Heaven knows best, I know its true
Its up to God what is taboo
but he brought me to you
And made my heart feel renewed.

So if God says its right
Then for you I’ll stand and fight
If it takes all day and night
I’ll be your brave white knight.

\

*photo courtesy National Geographic

Loving Miss Ruby

I've spent all my life running. Not in the physical sense, obviously, or I'd be a hell of a lot skinnier than I am now.

No, I've been running from something I've never quiet been able to see. I remember being afraid as long as I can remember. Not just a little afraid, like when you're watching a scary movie and you know the killer is behind the idiot actress and you are screaming "turn around!" But an intense fear that hits with no notice and takes my breath away. I am not afraid of anything tangible. If was, that would be a fairly easy phobia to fix, however, the fear comes from deep inside. 

I was never very normal. My mom said I was the happiest kid in the world until I was about 3 years old. Then I was sad. And scared.

A few years ago, while still in California, a little girl in my neighborhood brought me a chihuahua. She said she saw a family throw him and another little dog out of their car. She was able to catch this little guy but the other one ran away. She asked me if I could take him. I named him Rusty. I went looking for the other little dog, but didn't see her that night.

The next day, I saw her across the street sleeping on the front patio of an abandoned house. I put Rusty on a leash and he and I walked to the abandoned house. At first, when she saw me, she ran. Then she realized that Rusty was with me. Her fear turned into shear delight. Her tail wagged because her friend had returned. I sat down in front of the house with my back to her and let her and Rusty visit. After a while, I stood up and sat down where she had originally been sleeping. She ran into the bushes and hid. Slowly, I stood up and Rusty and I started walking back to my house. He kept stopping, looking back at his sister, his friend as if to tell her "come on, its okay." She followed us home.

I found a can of cat food and opened it for her to eat. She was too afraid, so I hand-fed some to Rusty then handed her the can. She was so hungry. As she ate, I slowly put my finger around her collar. When she was finished, I picked her up. She was so scared. Just like me.

I told her, no one will ever hurt you again. I named her Ruby. Even after all these years, she still has to be reassured sometimes that she is safe.

But she trusts me. She trusts me more than I trust myself. I wonder if she still has dreams about what her life was before. The terror she must have felt to bring her to the point that she feels that she must run or fight. Or maybe she just dreams about being safe. Maybe she wonders what little goodie she'll find in her next meal, or what treats momma Jamie will bring home from PetSmart next.

Its ironic how I can be that gentle heart that makes her feel safe, yet feel so scared myself. I wonder, who is my gentle hands? Where is my safety? My peace?

I know the answer to that, but I'm still learning to trust again. Like Ruby, I want someone to hold me and make everything feel okay, but I'm still having nightmares on an abandoned front porch. I still hide in the bushes. 

What's amazing is that Miss Ruby and I have changed roles, in a way. She is good at taking care of me. Of all my animals, she is the one who sleeps beside me in bed. When I am sad and crying, it is Miss Ruby, who comforts me. I sleep well knowing that she is alert and keeping an eye on things. I've even given her a job that she takes very seriously. I told her that she is in charge of making sure the cats never come near the bird or gerbil cages. As the other dogs spend the day outside or in their crates when I'm gone, Ms Ruby is on guard. And boy, is she good at what she does. 

It has been good to watch her transition from a frightened chihuahua, to a confident protector. She has even learned to reach out to other people and for that, I am proud of her. 

Like Miss Ruby, I am changing slowly. I have reached out to My Protector, my Gentle Hands. And though I still tread lightly, my confidence grows. Miss Ruby learned that not all humans are alike. Not all humans will hurt her. And I have learned that the portrait of God that many paint, is not always accurate. He is a gentle, loving being that does not want to hurt me, but to hold me and care for me as I care for Miss Ruby. 

And I am trying to let him.

A Prayer From your Rainbow Gryl

Dear Lord,

I'm sendin a prayer

up in the air

if you don't care. 

I find I'm stressin'

though you are blessin'

I'm still recessin'.

I'm wantin' to hide

from the outside

and I just can't brush it aside.

Inside I'm screamin'

and I am dreamin'

I need your redeemin'

Just wanna be able

to put food on the table

and to feel a little bit stable

I won't pray

that you'll take it away

or even make everything okay.

Just give me a song

remind me to be strong

and that with you, I'll always belong.

Every morning I'll wake

another step I'll take

I will bend, but I will not break.

And I'll keep goin'

in my heart I'm knowin'

that grace you'll be bestowin'. 

And your name I'll praise

cause I'm always amazed

at your awesome ways.

AMEN

Wakin' Up

I'm thinkin' last decade was only a dream

a long coma-like, a super supreme

had all the things I never had before

like at the end of the book, and you lookin' for some more.

Think I fell into the home of the Jed Clampettes

struck gold, and behold,  I'm off to the Ritz

this hillbilly chick packed up and headed West

swimmin' pools, movie stars, I was quiet impressed.

Fell in love with a Dove and all she was about

super-fly, I was high, and very devout

up high on the throne, she was my beauty queen

and in the light of her smile I was always serene. 

Chillin' out, there's no doubt, I was in South Cali

ocean waves, music raves, not in my Tennessee Valley

I would find, in my mind, I'd say "is this for real?"

or will I walk around the corner and my true life reveal?

How in the world did this girl turn out to be so blessed?

to be in love with my Dove in our place in the West?

to overcome all the crap that had troubled my mind?

All the tears, all the fears I thought I'd left behind.

Then, damn, I woke up, and here I am once more

in the hills, with the bills, in the land of the poor

what to do, feelin' blue, should I take another nap?

and hope for a replay, an instant recap?

Nah, guess it time, make a rhyme and take my head out' my ass

see the sun, its just begun, feel my toes in the grass

ain't so bad, don't be sad, this is Tennessee,

and if I look, a new book, I can guarantee.

I'll turn a page, and then engage, in a brand new story

but in this account, on the mount, I'll give God the Glory

I'll hold him high, he's super fly, and my beauty King

and I will know, and he will show that he's the Real Thing. 

Fate of the Ten Percenters

Look outside, a beautiful day

should go outside to have fun, to play

but something crazy is in the way

"Sorry Mom, I gotta tell you that I'm gay"

Little church right down the street

they heard me say it so they repeat

then suddenly no longer discreet

their words hit hard like seasoned concrete.

They judge and talk and then make fun

I'm one to pity, I'm one to shun

how I feel don't matter none

get back in my closet, get back to my gun.

Talkin' their talk, blowing up their phone

while they're busy I'll blow off my dome

feeling all exposed,  all alone

I'll never get to go back home.

I'm just one of the ten percent

my life's all gone, my life's all spent

my spirit no longer need pay the rent

when will the church itself repent?

While you're singin' all your hymns

people like me be cuttin' their limbs

for them all hope is dim

turn your face, holy one, too ugly, too grim.

Why don't you put your song books down

and wipe off that self righteous frown

you ain't the council to the crown

just a whack, holier than thou clown.

While you're busy playin' church

and shouted that we're all just sinful perverts

God himself is on the alert

lookin' for all of us you have hurt.

And when he finds us beaten and bruised

bleeding and hurt and so confused

lost in thought and seriously bemused

heavenly first aid is never refused.

But a shout to Heaven brings his angels down

around the hurting they all surround

doesn't matter to them the word around town

a rainbow prism through their angel gown.

And a invisible hand to the hurt applying

wiping away the tears of those who are crying

laying down the guns, to keep them from dying

whispering to them "you gotta keep trying".

Sometimes God's gotta bypass his own

who are quick to judge to throw the first stone

whose hearts often seem like an arctic zone

to let others like me know they are never alone.

Lord, thanks for jumping over the crowd

to surround me with your protective shroud

to not be ashamed to say out loud

I love this one, and of her, I am proud.

Guess I Had a Bad Day

I thought you'd never, never go away

That you'd be here, always, to stay

Thinkin' I still take your breath away

With our love, we'd always be okay.

They say that love, love conquers all

Guess that's nothin' but a bullsh*t call

Now you're gone and I feel so raw

I can't stand, but continue to crawl.

I thought I knew you, knew you so well

that if I looked in your eyes I could tell

when you were no longer under my spell

I feel foolish and a touch of hell. 

I planned on being on bended knee

to ask you again to marry me

instead I sit here quietly,

in a crowd, yet still so lonely.

Guess that's life, let me say that it sucks

I've been hit with a major in flux,

The next decade was going to be deluxe

but now I find myself in a corner tucks.

Yep, I'll make it, make it I will

but that don't mean that sometimes I won't feel

that I've been hit, hit in the grill.

But, like always, I'll find a way to chill. 

I'll be pissed, yes, and I'll be mad

and someday's I know, I know I'll be sad

but I'll overcome and make my spirit glad

I'll not think of the love I once had.

Cause I've got to believe, believe in me

that I am more than somebody's debris

that I am loving, and happy, and free

and I will resurrect spiritually.

Still, it hurts.