The last time I remember sleeping well was the night I was suicidal. I called my parents to come get my gun, cried until I could cry no more, prayed until I was in the fetal position, and finally took enough drugs to knock myself out. I can't remember how many days or weeks that has been.
Tonight, no matter how many drugs I take, I cannot rest. My head pounds, my muscles tense. My desperation for sleep is deep. My mind will not shut down. I can't think clearly although I don't seem to stop thinking. I don't recall much of what I ate today...or was it yesterday? I called my mom tonight to tell her "Mom, my world has to stop and I have to get off". And mom lays now on the recliner beside my bed.
I think I dozed a little or maybe I'm so delirious and drugged it was a waking dream. I can't be sure. I recall running through the jungle with my friend. We were warriors. She was running behind me and I stepped to the side to avoid something. When I did, she was shot. I stopped and turned around. She was injured and I did not know if she would survive. I was struck with the decision of running to save my own life or stopping in the small hope I could save her. I awoke with tears streaming down my face saying "I'm sorry..I'm so sorry."
I don't know why I am here in this place. Perhaps it is the crazy hormones of menopause or because of all that has happened this year. I don't feel like I have stopped fighting since it all began. In fact, I don't feel like I have ever stopped fighting.
Part of me is afraid to sleep for the dreams that will come and the other part wants nothing more than not to exist for just a little while. I don't want to die, I want to rest.
I have spent my life feeling like I have to defend myself against something. If its not fighting the psychological issues that have been with me since a child, it is the religion that says the very essence of who I am is an abomination. And then it is the fight to be me, knowing that I will be starred at, made fun of.... an embarrassment to my (former) partner because I am too butch. Then I must fight against my own self-hate for the messages all that mess has put into my head. Now that I am alone, I am left with the long endless nights to figure out how to save myself and still be a good person.
And I'm not sure I know how to do both. The short dream I had is easily interpreted. This is my decision. How can I be a person that I can be proud of and still save myself? My instinct is to run back and never leave anyone behind who is hurting, even if they have hurt me. Yet if I know that to save myself I must go forward...I must go on.
This warrior is so very tired. Up ahead is safety and rest, but to get there, I must be a selfish person. I don't like that. I don't like that at all.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you. That is not selfish, it is healthy. Don't worry about other things that need your attention. Some of those situations may work themselves out on their own. You don't know, at this point, what will and wont. You can't give away something you haven't got so my suggestion is take care of your needs first and then you can help others or do the things you need to do from a position of strength. First things first. Keep it simple. Stay in the now and not in the past and not in the future. Focus on what you can do right now. I have had to go outside somethimes and look up at the sky and tell myself the sky is not falling and I'm not Chicken Little. It seems to put things in perspective for me.
ReplyDeleteI know from my perspective that you are a good woman. Work on one thing at a time. More will be revealed as time goes on and then you can take care of whatever needs taking care of. If you are hungry, eat. If you are angry try to see why you are. Most of the time when I am angry it is that I have fear going on. Ask yourself: what is it I'm afraid of losing. Or, what is it I'm afraid of not getting. If I'm lonely, I go be around my friends. If I'm tired, I try to rest as best I can. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Do you remember the song, One day at a time sweet Jesus? The past is forever gone, you can't change a thing that happened then.The future is in Gods hand. Try to think of it as though today is all you have, your main goal should to take care of yourself.Physicaly, mentaly and spirtually. you are doing a good job on some of it. Just remember you are here for a reason, you need to stay here until God is finished with you.Who know what you may be able to accomplish in the future. Please try hard not to contunie to worry and fret about the past, and the future is not here yet. All God won't you to do is live well one day at a time.yuou are loved Auntie
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