The Fluidity of Sexuality, Spirituality, and Emotions

By Ian Plant

I have been told by a wise and wonderful woman that I like to put emotions and thoughts into boxes. It seems to make my mind less cluttered and able to deal with things better. However, in doing so, I put myself in a predetermined category and create self-fulfilling prophecies. For instance, I say that for more than 30 years I have had panic attacks. I do not know life without them. So I have put myself in a place where I expect to have them because they are such a strong part of me. 

In many ways, this wise and wonderful woman, is my spiritual muse. She has taught me to think in a more fluid way. I had started the process of this in regards to spirituality before I met her, but our hours upon hours of conversation only expanded my insight. 

In regards to religion and spirituality, I had broken away from the rigid Free Will Baptist upbringing. I had started to find my way back to God as an individual child of God, not as someone dedicated to certain doctrines. I just had not reached that ah-ha moment when the light turns on and things just click because the truth suddenly flows all over you. One night during one of our conversations, I said to her "It is interesting that you put no limits or barriers on spirituality." She said, "Jamie, there are none. Who can put limits on God? God is God. " Bingo. That was it. God is God and I just need to be able to allow that in my life whatever that means. Not putting God in a box is one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned. 

Once this idea of fluidity entered my mind, I realized it for its far reaching potential. I identify sexually as a butch lesbian. It took me many years to become comfortable in myself after my rigid upbringing. However, I realize that if you ask me if I am male or female, I will tell you "both and neither". Although I have the sexual organs of a female, I have an androgenous spirit. I am told that I am very butch and masculine, yet by womyn more manly than myself, I am a bit girly. So the spectrum is not clear. It is not set in stone. I am just me. I am strong, yet sensitive. A protector yet need protected. I am a hopeless romantic who loves nothing more than to romance my lady, but isn't romance a chick thing?

I think my spiritual muse was right. One of my biggest issues has been trying to put things in boxes, because I simply do not fit. I am tender hearted, but quick to anger. I am very spiritual but tend to curse like a sailor. I think in accepting that fluidity, I would allow myself to be perfectly imperfect. I would realize that not everything is black and white. I would relieve so much pressure from myself and I would learn to love myself and believe that I am worth being loved.

It is exactly my failure in being able to do this and my mistake of shoving my spiritual muse in a box, that caused me to lose her. I lost my friend. I lost one of the most important connections of my entire life. I didn't think that I was good enough to hold onto, and I passed that anger onto her. My insecurities and separation anxiety hurt someone I care a lot about. I want to open the box up and free her and say, I sorry for shoving you in this dark place. 

Just as the fluidity of sexuality and spirituality flow, so do my emotions. They are unpredictable and very deep. Sometimes tame, sometimes extreme. I allowed that to cause pain for her. Sometimes connections are so intense that they hurt, and in this case, they did. 

I must admit, I feel lost without her. I miss our conversations, our laughter, the times we have cried together and brought peace to one another. I don't know if her heart will ever heal enough to ever talk to me again, but when I pray now, I ask God to touch her heart and repair what I have broken. Never have I known someone with such insight and a clear and free connection to God. I hope that in connection she can find forgiveness and healing. 

Love is fluid and comes in many forms. If it is unconditional, then nothing can break that. And I will pray daily that love will bring my friend back. We still  have much to learn from each other, and much support to offer. May God bring grace to us so that we can find a path of reconnection.