Cocoon of Thorns

Hello dear friend, explosion suspend,

you know when I need your caress.

Your magic touch, no fight, this much

I know as fire sparks off your undress.

Your smooth, sharp blade, for it I have prayed

to sail smoothy down my flesh

and open a river, with barely a quiver

and create my soul newly fresh.

The pain so divine, the release so sublime

I can declare that I breath once again

For I feared to exhale until upon you I impale

and fall into a satisfying zen.

I long to cocoon in your thorn ridden room

as upon needles of love I abide

this hammock dripping wet, with blood and with sweat

and in this prickly peace I will hide.

Angry Beast

Stupid motherfucking world

I'm so angry for a fight

We try and try to do good

still lay awake at night.

Work our fucking asses off

and our fingers to the bone

then we hear a little ring

bill collectors on the phone.

Then I try to love my wife

cause I really think she rocks

then a self righteous christian

jumps up on his soapbox.

We are going to hell?

How 'bout you Mr. Pharisee?

Go to church on Sunday

but full of hypocrisy.

And then the politicians

Pro-family Yes! my ass

put down the stones ya throwin'

you're in a house made of glass.

I'm just trying to live here, ya'll

leave me and mine in peace

I want to be god lovin

but I'm just a angry beast.

Fu*king Shark Snack

Fuckin' trapped in a box

floatin' on the open sea

sharks swimmin' all around

snappin' hard and fast at me. 

Ain't got nowhere to go

can't go up, only down

my fate to get eaten

an hors d'œuvre before I drown.

And now I just sprung a leak

and the water's rushing cold

the fear done turn to rage

this bullshit's gettin' old.

All you stupid fuckin' sharks

better hope this is your day

cause I'm pissed as holy hell

and you best get out my way.

I'm angry and I'm tired

and I've had all I can take

and at the moment it would feel amazin'

if all your bones I could break.

And I know its mighty ugly

but its hard to give a shit.

when I try to stay afloat

and end up getting hit.

Time and time and time again

over and over til I bleed

what the fuck do you want

my first born? my first seed?

Well kiss my ass you motherfucker

I'm tired of all your praddle

I'll tear you into bits

use your shark fin as my paddle. 

Then I'll have something finally

something that's all mine

I won't owe you all I'm worth

a few pennies and a dime.

Ying Yang: The Human Condition

I'm a stone cold butch

I'm a scared little child

I'm a quiet introvert

who can go buck wild.

I am full of great love

but can scream in a rage

I'm free as an eagle

yet a bird in a cage.

I'm an agnostic with great faith

I'm a sinner and a saint

I draw the peace symbol

and I wear war paint.

I cry until I laugh

then I laugh until I cry

I look  to take my life

then I fight not to die.

I'm a little troublemaker

then dream I'm Superman

cause a little mischief

then save all I can. 

I'm an angel and a devil

just a dirt poor millionaire

I'm a reason for concern

I'm an answer to prayer.

I am that I am. I am me.

Smashing

I'm smashing into you 

while beholding your face

the perfection, the moment

the passion embrace.

And I melt into you

and finally feel whole

cause you saw inside of me

my own boyish soul.

And in your eyes I see home

like a prodigal child

I am safe once again

and in love I am wild.

My lips touch yours

until the end of all time

for our souls interlock

as our hearts intertwine.

P.A.N.I.C.

Image by Mitchell Krog

How many days has it been since i forgot what it was not to fear? I know it was 2 summers past when the Panic came back with a ferocity I will not soon forget. Six hours of unrelentless terror that had no face, for it came from within me. 

I had managed to go many years without knowing him. It is an old friend, or an old enemy, but I know him well. I have know him since I was 8 years old. It is hard to imagine me without Panic, but I existed for a time that way. I had hoped that he was gone for good, but it was not meant to be. It seems now that he has me again, he refuses to let go. 

It was miraculous how he disappeared the first time. I fell in love. And the Agoraphobia and Panic that kept me in my house terrified, was pushed back and I flew to a far away land where either could rarely find me. I had a chance to experience life as I have never know it before. For a time.

I returned to my beloved home in the Appalachian Mountains, knowing that the possibility existed that Panic would find me again. I was stronger, I told myself. I could fight. And for a time I did. 

Then in the perfect storm, the perfect circumstances, when I least expected it...among laughter and friends, it hit me like a heart attack. In a way, it was a heart attack, for it took my very life, my ability to live a normal life away from me yet again. Those few years of knowing what it was like to do things without fear....gone. 

Panic takes my breath away. It locks me in my bedroom afraid to move. In the midst of panic, the slightest movement, the most minute touch, the quietest sound, sends uncontrollable shivers down me. Waves of nausea and inexplicable fear course through my body and I know terror with an intimacy I do not want. I hide in any corner, curled up in a ball, waiting for it to pass. 

In my 6 hours of terror, my worst episode ever, I finally reached the point that I truly believed it would never go away. I begged, pleaded with God, in simple childhood speak, "please take it away, please take it away, please take it away, please take it away, please take it away....". One hour became two...became three, became four, became five, and then six. Finally, with an exhaustion once unknown, it eased. 

I try so hard to forget that day, and I cannot. I can't forget the episodes that have occurred time and time again after that. I can't forget the terror of being 40 minutes away from home and that time feeling like endless eternity. I can't forget the dry heaving on the side of the road as I tried to judge when I could drive like a bat out of hell to get home, or when I must stop to puke. 

I try to replace new memories with the old ones, but when something that effects your entire being with such ferocity, it must be replaced with equally strong good memories. So I must get the strength to walk outside again, and make those memories. 

The world seems such a strange place to me now. My world has been this room for untold weeks. And yet in order to live, I must go out there. I tell myself I have been out there before, and have been okay. I was more than okay for several years, and I can be again. Sometimes, I wish Panic had a face, so I could avoid him. If I saw him coming, I would walk the other way. 

Mental games do so much. I know this is inside me, and I am the only one who can fight it. I am a warrior. I have made it 30 odd years in this battle, yet I get so very tired. The day to day living that seems so simple for many others, such as walking outside, going to work, going to the store or out to eat, takes an emotional and mental battle that makes this warrior a child far too often. 

I look at myself now, and I feel that I have aged beyond my years. I look so tired. Yet what choice do I have but to continue? I can give up, and let go of my life, but I have fought so long and hard to live. I just want a moment to breathe because I want to, not because my body automatically does. I want to forget what it feels like to be afraid. I want to feel safe in a moment of sweet love.  I want to go to work, and do my part, and make a difference without being afraid of doing normal everyday stuff. I want the life I deserve to have. And the scary thing is the only person who can make that happen is me. 

 

Memories of Time Perception

Image by Time Love Memory

They say time heals all wounds

and time is tickin' away

but in my fu*ked up mind

its just one endless day.

The days turn into nights

but I just don't seem to move

its like I am stepin'

to my own weird groove.

I think real hard in my brain

last week and month to recall

but its only short images

I can't make sense of it all.

If it were a fantasy

I would make it all feel good

but instead its like a nightmare

in my own little neighborhood.

Now I know there's been good times

my heart remembers those

but they seem damn distant

reachin' for them on tiptoes.

Time perception is strange sometimes

when you want time to last

it goes by so suddenly

and quickly becomes your past.

Yet when you are in a dark place

its one long endless night

and you are awake to feel it all

and you struggle with all your might.

Now I may not recall yesterday

but I have hope for tomorrow

and whatever it takes to get there

from time I will beg, steal, cheat and borrow.