Agony of Friendship

As difficult as this year has been...my "divorce" from my partner of 10 years, followed by a cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgery,  nothing compares to the loss of a friendship. In 7 months, I have lost the two most important friendships I have ever had. 

When you are a part of someone's everyday life, suddenly not having that feels as if someone died. It is a grieving process. As part of your defense, you try to remember the bad stuff because it is easier to be angry than it is to be sad. But then there are times in the still of the day when those good memories come flooding back. Maybe its because you caught the scent of the perfume they wore, or heard a song you used to sing. And then it hurts like hell. 

Right now, I am still busy being angry about my divorce, so it doesn't hurt so much. I stay out of rooms I associate with her. I live in just a small part of the house where I cannot remember her every time I look at the couch she used to sit on, or the tv she used to watch. Everything of her has been removed from the house. I couldn't even do it myself, but my mother in her understanding, did it for me when I was recovering from surgery so I didn't have to see. Even though I am angry, and have reason to be, she was still my best friend for 10 years. When I see her now, it is as if I am seeing a stranger or seeing through different eyes. And it makes it easier. 

Then I met someone whose connection with me spiritually and emotionally surpassed all I have ever felt before. Our connection was so strong that we could feel what was happening with the other one thousands of miles away even though we were not in contact. I would wake up from a nap, only to have her know what I had dreamed. One day, at work, I was having a panic attack, and suddenly, on my phone, there she was asking what was wrong. And she could bring me peace. She was my writing partner, my muse. She was my partner in ministry. I am a person who can only hold a ten minute conversation if I am lucky most of the time, but I could easily talk to her for 10 hours and it seem like minutes. 

But this incredible bond had a dark side. It is wonderful to feel the happiness of the other person with such intensity, but the feeling the pain in addition to your own is overwhelming. Inside us both is a beautiful, kind spirit, but also a spirit that is scarred and bruised. When she would see my hurt, she felt it...and when she disappeared into her agony...I agonized with her. I physically felt it. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. The agony of being so far away from her and not being able to do anything brought a sense of intense desperation. 

The combination of dealing with this sudden menopause after the surgery and feeling the intensity of the emotional pain brought me to my knees.  I cried as I have never cried. I prayed as I have never prayed. And that darkness went through our connection and back to her, thousands of miles away.

And so I tried to save myself by getting angry, by stopping the connection. And in doing so shook the spirit of us both. And now we sit so far apart...raw and hurt. I didn't know saving yourself was supposed to hurt so much. My friend is gone. And yet I continue to feel her pain. Knowing that I made it worse instead of better makes my heart bleed. 

Someday, I hope to have my friend back. Maybe then we will be able to find a balance in our connection. I miss the conversations. I miss the laughter. I miss the creative and spiritual nature of us. We were a good team, especially in ministry. 

The hard thing about being an emotionally crippled spirit, is that you are all walking wounded. There are none among you who is healthy. There is no medic, no doctor. There are just people with emotional limps, open wounds, and hearts who struggle to keep beating. You have to look at one another knowing that these people who are your family that you love so very much hurt as much as you do, and the helplessness in not being able to make them better can destroy you. 

There has to be a way to love, and be loved, without hurting so damn much. 

To my friend...if you ever read this...when the moment is not so raw anymore...let us heal. I remember the good in you, and it hurts so much. You are a compassionate, insightful, loving spirit. You have seen my spirit and know me. You have read the words upon my soul. I am sorry that my pain hurts you so much. It is years upon years of pain that cannot be healed easily. 

I know that when people recognize the hurt in others, it can make them fearful of them. No one wants to be around a broken spirit. But there are so many broken spirits out there. I show my own, so they know they are not alone. Sometimes I think if I cannot save myself, maybe I can save someone else in getting this message to them. And I know that hurts you. 

But I beg that God use this, these stripes I carry, and turn it into peace for someone. I created Whisper Creek as a place for peace because I know I need it so much. But there are times that I feel I cannot enter there. It is sacred, holy ground. I fear that with my blood I will taint it, so here I am. 

I will heal as will you and I hope that when that time comes, you will connect with me again. I hope that you will meet me at Whisper Creek, and that we will find peace. Hopefully, someday, the rawness will go away and new healthy hearts will form and it will be better. And in your moments of quiet, when you sense me, I am there.

 

Frozen

Image by Rebekka Guðleifsdóttir

I sit here, frozen, afraid to move

cause for now my inner demons are feeling soothed

cause the cuts let out all of the screams

that plague my existence, that haunt my dreams.

And if I move, I fear they will wake

and that will be more than I can take

cause they'll come out hungry for even more

to cleanse my sins, to settle the score. 

And if I lay down to go to sleep

into my mind, in my dreams they will creep

and in the morning, when I finally awake

another piece of my soul they will surely take.

And I will go again as if all is fine

I'll smile and laugh and the sun will shine

then the darkness will surround me into a fright

and the demons will consume me into the night.

And the thoughts will get crazy, the thoughts will get mean

and my soul will shout, and my spirit will scream

and I'll beg for God's mercy, and for grace I will pray

to make it another minute, to survive another day.

Exploding Heart

I tried not to wear my heart on my sleeve

but hid it away like it was on sick leave

but I found in doing so I wasn't alive

like I only existed, but didn't thrive.

So I took it out and dusted it clean

got it beatin' right like a new machine

and though I didn't set out seeking love

it seem to drop right down from up above.

And I took it and enjoyed it well

never knew my heart could actually swell

but it did and for a time it felt good

much better than I thought it actually could. 

But then reality crashed my love affair

and it went in smoke and up in thin air

and my heart sitting proudly upon my sleeve

began to tremble, began to seethe. 

And then it burst in great alarm

and the blood ran thickly down my arm

and confused because I didn't die

I fell to my knees and began to cry.

I couldn't stop, I couldn't see

didn't know truth from a hole in a tree

and I begged for guidance to find my way

but no one came to save the day.

There was no happy ending, no storybook

and I sit here now and at my arm I look

and the blood runs down and I wonder when

my breathing will stop and the hurt will end. 

How can my tender heart cause so much pain

I didn't mean to bring down so much heavy rain

and now everyone is just treading water

and I feel like I brought on this massive slaughter. 

And it rips and it tears and it feels so raw

for the wounds that I caused for the hurt that I saw

and I ask myself if inside I am evil

for causing this mess, this big upheaval. 

Will I ever know, will the Lord finally say

I meant for things to happen and happen this way

will it ever be spelled out in my brain

or will the words simply spell "you are fucking insane."

The Cutting Muse

If I don't write, I surely will explode

cause I'm carrying such a big emotional load

the airlines would charge me for all these extra bags

and I'd get writers cramp filling out the tags.

So what do I do with all this weight

Its not that I like it, I really hate

but its in me, ain't gonna disappear

I ain't hangin' on like a souvenir.

So what do I do before I pop

before I kill over, before I drop?

sometimes the only thing I know to do

is cut the pain away and try to start anew.

Lord knows I'm a cutter and I know it gives you pain

but sometimes its all that keeps me from goin' insane.

but if I can put the pain into a rhyme

it buys me a minute, it buys me some time.

So I write mighty often and hopefully well

to keep myself away from a cutting hell

but some days it hurts and some days I weep

and I pray that the Lord, my soul will keep.

But thanks be to God, I write like I breathe

but when I can't, inside, my head seethes 

and I look at the knife and I pick it up

and I taste once again from the bitter cup.

Maybe one day soon, I really don't know

I'll find a better way, to deal, when I'm low

but if its the only thing that keeps this chick alive

I gotta do what I have to in order to survive.

~~For all of you cutters out there...I understand~~

 If I don't write it on paper, I write it on my arm.

Your scars tell stories.

Someday you must share them.

A Raw Honest Cursing Prayer...

Tears cascade down like an open flood gate

its more than I can handle, its more than I can take

Why did you make me, Lord,  if I'm goin' to be in pain

what would that accomplish, what would that gain?

Just rip my heart out, rip it out now

I'm tired of this livin', and figurin' out how

outside I look like 40, inside only 10

when you gonna take it, tell me when, fuckin' when?

Now I don't mean no disrespect, but Lord, what the fuck?

It takes all I have not to step in front a Mack truck

I know it ain't your fault, I don't mean to scream and shout,

but I look at that gun and want to blow my brains out. 

I'm yellin' at you Lord, cause you all I have, all I've got

who can see my insides and my heart in such a knot

I'm beggin' for your mercy, for your grace to face the day

But I really gotta ask, why you let me be made this way?

Maybe there's a higher purpose, or its only in my dreams

to make it more bearable, the reasons for my screams

whatever it is, it hurts, Lord, it feels like fuckin' hell

makes me want to bid the world a final big farewell.

But I made it to the mornin' time, didn't think I'd see the sun

but its easier now today, cause daddy's got the gun

and mom stood watch over me all night and again today

and she waited until she knew that I would be okay.

And I know that even now, Lord, they pray for me tonight

that my heart will heal again, that my soul will be alright

and I know that it will be, cause it always has before

but please, Lord, let me rest, cause I'm really mighty sore.

In my open honesty with God, in my language, in my screams, God continues to bring me grace. Do you think that a God that loves us cares that our language is raw? God the Father and Mother Earth know our innermost feelings and our thought. To be able to be honest with them in that, is healing. They do not wish for us to censor ourselves, for if we do, we will never have an authentic relationship with them. We only show them our best, when they know us at our worst. So share it all with them, and in doing so, you will find healing.

Single Sport

I'm a bit under pressure

feel the heat, feel the steam

the times are gettin' heavy

and their gettin' very lean.

What was once a team game

is a single sport now

and I wonder how to make it

got to make it somehow.

But I gotta say its lonely

gotta play all by myself

so I pick up the ball

and I put it on the shelf.

And I sit in the silence

once I heard you, heard your voice

but I won't be defeated

by your stupid fuckin' choice.

Though these times they really hurt

I won't fib, I won't lie

ain't no worse than I been through

I will do, or I will die.

So in the silence of the evenings

in my head the game is played

and I go on undefeated

cause in my heart I have prayed. 

Cave

Crawl in my dark secluded cave

its my heart I'm trying to save

I can't see out, you can't see in

while I figure what's wrong within.

And while I sit inside of here

I make like magic, I disappear

maybe I cease to exist

vanish quietly and safely into the midst.

But I still see the me that's inside

what hurts so much, what I'm trying to hide

and I can't make it go away

no matter how hard I try to pray.

I'm in a bad place, I'm in it now

but surely I will make it, make it somehow

I'll open up this small dark place

and clean it up and make some space.

Maybe one day when its fully healed

in this cave I've kept so concealed

I'll let in sunshine, I'll bless this place

and I'll allow your sweet embrace.

But until that moment, until that time

continue to love me, continue to shine

because your spirit to my heart does bring

love carried by the angels on their angel wings.