And I Wonder.....

Sometimes I look into my eyes

and starring back like the clear blue skies

is an empty shell, without a soul

and cold as the plains of the north pole.

and I wonder....What am I?

No damn emotions inside me to track

no footprints in the snow when I look back

just numbness and nothing, bitter cold

is that me in the mirror, am I growing old?

and I wonder....Who am I?

Here I am, hel--lo, I am here

between hell and heaven, I don't know where

just vacant and empty, an abandoned well

what can I do, someone do tell.

and I wonder....What do I do?

Its like an alarm bell sounded loud

and out dispersed this big huge crowd

leaving me here all alone

a sack of dry, dead,  lifeless bones.

and I wonder....Where am I?

Did I disappear? Am I in there?

If I am will someone tell me where?

And I cut myself to see if I bleed

to see if there's a spirit who needs to be freed.

and I wonder....How am I?

Am I hiding out in camouflage?

am I in some sort of battle, why do I dodge?

sometimes I'm my own worst enemy

what will it take for me to see?

and I wonder....What do I look like?

Will there be a happy ending? I can't say for sure

will there be a miracle, will there be a cure?

All I can do is try as I might

continue the battle, continue the fight. 

and I wonder....How strong am I?

One day I'm certain I'll recognize me

don't know how long the wait will be

but I know when it happens I'll make a friend

I'll hold her close, I'll hold her hand.

and I'll wonder...Where have you been, my friend?

My Life Flows On

Ripped and Torn

 

 

 

My heart is ripped and torn
And the world won’t slow a bit
Gotta call for the medic
Before my heart up and quits

But how you gonna fix it
If it won’t stop and skip a beat
There ain’t no laying’ down
Still be walkin’ on my feet.

How’s it gonna heal
I don’t give a rat’s ass
All I tell myself
Is that this too shall pass.

But in saying what I feel
And feeling what I say
I wiggle and squirm
I don’t like it that way.

Tired of the fight
Of being self judgmental
It makes me crazy still
And feeling kinda mental.

I wanna let it go
Lay it down and walk away
But it only waits to get me
On some other day.

Maybe that’s all I can do
Its all that I can ask
Is that for a moment in time
I can leave it in the past.

And one day in the future
Hopefully not far down the road
I can lay it down one final time
Lay down the heavy load.

Lead Me Kindly Lightly....Cause I'm So Damn Lost

 

 

I’m on this mother fucking damn roller coaster ride
Its headed straight down, got no safe place to hide
I wanna scream loudly, but the screamin ain’t fun
It’s the scream of a fucker with a phat machine gun.

Wanna shoot the damn demons that plague my brain
The stupid mother fuckers trying to drive me insane
I know that  I’m something that God the Father made
But I still want to cut myself up with a blade.

Maybe he can put the pieces back together again
Make me think with peace, fill me with some holy zen.
Cause I’m tired of being tired, fightin’ every night and day
God why can’t you fix me, why did you make me this way?

It all gets in my head and makes me so confused
And my heart takes a beating and is left sore and bruised
And I don’t know where to go and I find I’m so lost
I can’t even read the map my mind is so criss-crossed.

So lead me, kindly, lightly, guide me in the path divine
And help me to feel some of  Mother’s comfort sunshine
Cause I’m hidin’ in the forest from my own kind of wrath
So please show me the way, please show me the path.

A Prayer for Rest

 

 

In the anger, in the rage
Let me out of this tiny cage
I try puttin’ the words on the page
Already getting tired in my middle age

But it’s a hard and a mighty long battle
I feel I’m up shit creek without a paddle
Listening to the bullshit and all the prattle
Can’t get through, their brains I can’t rattle.

Can’t seem to make sense of this crap at all
But I scrape and climb and sometimes crawl
And I stand by the cliff wondering if I would fall
Who would be there to catch me if I should call.

Father God, Mother Earth, my unseen divine
Can you give me a clue, can you give me a sign
You created it all, my interior design
Tell me what I have to do to reach the goal line.

For I’m done and I’m tired, I really need a nap
In your holy embrace, in your divine lap
Please let me rest, as my heart you unwrap
Cause if I don’t someday soon I fear I will snap.

Help your child to rest…please.

Landin' in my Lap

Wake up every mornin', my stomach in my throat

tryin' to keep going, don't want to give up hope

my wheels keep spinnin', am I goin' anywhere?

Does anybody hear me, my heart's in disrepair.

Same ol' sh*t all the day long

workin' for a penny, workin' for a song

can't pay the bills though they gots to get paid

how I'm gonna pay them, I already prayed.

Not trying to do wrong, just wanna do right

but I'm tired of this battle, I'm tired of this fight

A promise ain't a promise when it ain't f*ckin' kept

leavin' me with all this sh*t deeply in debt.

I stood with you throughout it all, you didn't give a sh*t

I took it til you walked away, til you done went up and quit

And so it lands in my lap, all this crap you left behind

how I'm gonna do it, on a dollar and a dime?

Doin' all I can, gonna give it a go

is it gonna work, how the hell do I know?

but I know I'm gonna try, can't give up on it too soon

but sometimes I wanna say, what the hell, f*ck the moon.

Fire

F*cking soul reach for peace
Make the angriness cease
Explode and decrease
Send out a press release.

Butch knows what she doin’
Not bitchin’ and brewin’
Just attemptin’ renewing
But quite misconstruing’

So f*cking confused
Of course it ain’t news
I oft’ self abuse
When I can’t seem to diffuse.

But I hold in such fire
Such burning desire
To somehow inspire
To hold your head higher.

But I f*cking am tired
Of feeling so wired
So much has transpired
Peace is desired

But I’m too much a mess
I have to confess
I try to oppress
When I don’t feel so blessed.

In this moment so pissed
In a dark angry mist
My hands frozen in fists
And rage I resist.

F*ck you damn demon
I go kicking and screamin’
Middle finger be beamin’
In my head I am dreamin’.

That someday I’ll stop fightin’
Scraping and biting
Some peace be inviting
When I put it in writing.

Cause I’m f*ckin’ depleted
Way too superheated
Fightin’ undefeated
Yet still uncompleted.

And my humanness sucks
I ain’t got the bucks
No super deluxe
Puts me always influx.

But I keep steppin’ and walkin’
And I keep on talkin’
And I’ll be a balkin’
Til’ the coroner chalkin’.

But for now give me quiet
Put my mind on a diet
Maybe a room in the hyatt
Can’t take no more riot.

I gotta lay down
Soul’s gotta rebound
If I don’t, wait around
My spirit will drown.

So I‘ll count the pink sheep
As I try to sleep
Inside I may weep
Pray my soul you will keep.